Check out Lori Bradley’s recent piece on Bella Online’s Married No Kids Site. She interviews a childfree colleague, who talks about his decision, relations with friends, workplace issues and more.
The piece brought to mind things I’ve learned from childfree men in developing Families of Two to date. When I’ve asked men about why they chose not to have children, I’ve been surprised at how many tell a similar story. From an early age they saw their parents’ struggles (their father’s in particular) — having enough money to raise the kids, working two jobs, never home, etc. that they decided then this was not the kind of life they wanted for themselves when they grew up.
While we might think that with couples the woman more often than not drives the decision about having children or not, I was surprised to learn that ..
..this is not the case. Even though more men than not talk about being able to go either way (if she wants them I would, if not, I am fine not having them), some have very strong feelings about not having children, to the point that if his mate wanted them, it would be a deal breaker.
In talking to childfree men I’ve also learned that they tend to have been raised to value their independence, and are comfortable with more egalitarianism in their relationships. Domestics are more evenly split, and his income being more than hers is not a given; it is not so uncommon to see the women making as much or more than the men…and they are fine with that (research suggests that it is Not fine for a lot of men).
So often men talk about wanting to have kids to carry on the family name and leave a legacy. Childfree men are less traditional when it comes to family name stuff, and may want to leave a legacy, but do not see reproducing themselves as the only way a person can do this.
While childfree women and men share similar experiences and concerns, they have their own as well. Kudos to Lori and her friend for letting us hear more from childfree guys…
And we need to hear more. To childfree men out there: tell us your story–how did you decide you did not want to have children? What is the most challenging about having made this choice?
February 9th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
Two summers as a day camp counselor made me decide when I was 20 years old that I did not want to ever have children. I was so glad to be able to get away from the kids at the end of the day. The second summer was good for my resume because it included some teaching and computer skills, two things useful for the job I would get after college.
This position cost me a lot of relationships, as this was ALWAYS a dealbreaker. My family never gave me any grief about it, as they know this is a personal decision they all respect. My younger brother was married for 12 years before he had his first kid 6 years ago.
I was a quiet loner when I was growing up, so not wanting to have children fits in well. Being around them 24/7 would disturb the kind of life I want to have.
As I got older, I was able to parlay this into being able to retire at the age of 45 back in 2008 (as Laura mentioned in a recent blog entry). And I was able to find a woman who has an adult child who lives far away and who can’t have any more children (and doesn’t want any more anyway).
February 15th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
Deegee, When you were a camp counselor, what about the experience made you not want to ever have kids? Re this choice being a dealbreaker, you have not been alone….good for you that you have found someone who has an adult child and who now can’t/does not want any more children. There are many people who do not want kids out there; they just have to find each other! Keep you comments coming! ~L
February 16th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I was a regular camp counselor the first summer. It was for a large group of 7-year-old boys. They were noisy, cried at little things, and were a general pain in the butt.
The second summer, at a different day camp, I was a regular counselor 3 days a week and a computer specialist counselor two days a week, on alternating days (Tues, Thurs). On my regular days, I was with a group of 6-year-old boys. This group was worse than the prior year’s boys because of one particularly awful boy, one who always acted up and even bit another counselor! On my specialist days, I would have all the age groups except for my regular group visit my computer area (they were too young). It was quite a relief to be rid of those kids for the day. The computer specialist work was more tiring because I was running the show but not as annoying. It did look good on my resume, however.
Then again, it was an even bigger relief after I dropped off the last kid (I was one of the minibus drivers, as these camp owners did not hire many older people to save money) before getting home. Those bus rides were often noisy and I had to pull over to yell at the kids to get them to quiet down.
It was during the second summer that I knew I never wanted to be around kids 24/7 because of how much I appreciated being away from them either during the day or after I got back home.
The following summer, I got a job which kept me away from all kids and paid a lot more, more than both both day camps jobs combined.
February 16th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Sounds like you did something early in life that many people should do (and many don’t) when they are deciding whether to have kids…spend lots of time with kids! Lots of childfree who did spend lots of time with kids talk about babysitting children when they were younger, and that being the first indicator that having kids of their own was not something they wanted to do. That was the case for me! ~L
September 7th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Its been months since this was posted, hope its not too late to give my thoughts.
My reasons are:
1) I value my independence. I love being able to do what I want, when I want it.
2) I rather build, and find more joy in building, mature adult relationships.
3) I dont have 18 years to devote to anything but myself or my partner.
4) Seeing what several children did to my mother made me question if I wanted kids. She was always stressed and angry. Even though Im the opposite, I saw what children add to a family which is more heartache and stress than good.
5) As deegee, I too worked for a summer with kids and I hated most of it. The noise, the lack of respect etc turned me off of children forever.
September 7th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Never too late! Thanks for writing. You might be surprised re your point #4 — lots of childfree guys say something like this…~L
September 7th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
Great. Glad I could add something to this post.
And I probably shouldnt have used the word “partner”. I should have written girlfriend/wife instead. HA.
And yes, point 4 is a serious reason why I dont want children. I see this with a lot of parents, not just my mother. Parents are CONSISTENTLY stressed, tired, angry, worn out or whatever adjective you could think of to describe an unpleasant disposition.
6) I would rather dedicate my life into changing the world in some capacity with my skills and talents, rather than giving so much time and energy to raising a child.
February 13th, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Found this through a Google search for child free men like myself, i guess it is really late but I hope you get my message.
I am 26 now,and I have known for a long while now that being a daddy isn’t my cup of tea. I have never had any form of paternal instincts and I have always been indifferent about kids.
It is not that I hate kids but I am just not interested in parenting. I live in a country where being child free is as good as you announcing that you killed jesus…lol. In fact I have never met another child free person except online. At work when people bring their kids to the office and everyone is busy talking about how adorable the kid is, I just join in so as not to seem like the weird one, while deep down inside I am actually indifferent to the kid’s presence.
I am glad I am able to communicate with other child free people from around the world and is good to know I am not alone.
I know i would probably never find a child free woman where I live, but I rather remain single forever and be happy than be pressured into having kids. I have never been bored of being alone, so i guess I should be fine until I come across a child free woman (IF EVER!!!).
February 13th, 2011 at 2:10 pm
Bashir, Thanks for writing…never too late too late to write in and join the conversation! Ok this might be a question you may not want to answer but I can’t help but be curious–where do you live? Have you met childfree women on line who are from where you are from? ~Laura
February 13th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
Laura, I live in Nigeria, I doubt I will ever meet a child free woman here and I haven’t met anyone online either. There is strong societal pressure to procreate here, so most people see having kids as something they are suppose to do. This is largely due to the very religious nature of the Nigerian society (Nigeria is mainly Christian and Muslim). Even my mum has started giving me hints about how she cant wait to have her own grand kids in the future (WTF!).
But I haven’t given up hope completely though. May be somewhere in this country there is a child free woman who is in the closet just like me.
February 14th, 2011 at 11:02 am
Wow–Nigeria…yes don’t give up hope–I bet there are Nigerian women out there with your same sentiment! ~L
February 14th, 2011 at 11:38 am
Thanks Laura, You will be the first to hear when I find that child free Nigerian woman.
Peace.
January 7th, 2012 at 5:20 am
Late, later, latest i think
I found this through google aswell but i already found your youtube channel. Im 25 year old and i came to fully realize that i dont want to have children. Ever. I think the feeling was there a long time before i came to that realization though. When i grew up i was a loner and would rather entertain myself then play with other kids. I did have friends but they where few. Even back then i didnt like to be around groups of people. I hated the very first day i went to school. When my dad came pick me up i was in the exact same spot as where he left me. It didnt really came as a surprise to my parents when i told them im going to have a vasectomy. They are supportive (‘if that is your choice its your choice and knowing you it might be the best choice’). In middle school i really wanted to have gf’s but when i thought about relationships my thoughts didnt go further then: 1. meet girl 2. have nice life together. After that everything became foggy. It wasnt until i was in a relationship for 2 years that the topic kids came up. That was 2 years ago and i told my gf that i dont want them. She did so we broke up and i ever felt so relieved that i made this decision for myself! Im not particulary a career person but i value my peace and quiet time (its not optional i need it to ‘recharge’). I never get bored and im always busy thinking. Even my Jung personality-profile was INTP if that means something to you haha..
January 7th, 2012 at 11:57 am
Thanks for writing! I do know a lot about Jung’s personality profiles, and have talked to many childfree INTPs…however, I have also talked to many E’s, S’, F’s and J’s! Like occupations, lifestyles etc. we have many different personalities. It would very interesting though to do a study of thousands of people with no children by choice to see if there are any correlations…..maybe someday!
January 9th, 2012 at 12:36 am
I enjoyed reading the comments of guys that think the same way as me. I want to add other reasons for not having kids: 1)I would feel very guilty to bring them to this world we are living right now: and that is:
1)a world with no real jobs or opportunities (so they struggled 25 years to be unable to have a decent life)
2)a world full of violence,drugs and crime ,elsewhere!
3)a world too expensive to live
4)a world that soon will run out of water! and other natural resources. Not to mention the increase of polution and other big natural disasters
5)90% of divorces worldwide (not 50%),and very complicated to live with anyone today…Dont see any change in this department either for a kid growing up
Its a situation in which kids will start saying to their parents: why did you bring me to this world?
I dont see how could anyone live happy “in here”!
Am I wrong?
January 9th, 2012 at 11:00 am
Robert: I don’t think you are wrong at all…kids being brought into the world right now will see some great challenges if those of us who are already here don’t take some serious responsibility for population stabilization and ensuring future generations won’t face dangerous resource depletion…which some experts say have already reached that point. Even if a person has the urge to have a kid, it is time to put adoption first, again, to take care of who is already here, and simultaneously not adding to to a growing population. But these realities fight with long held tenets of pronatalism. It is powerful value systems that needs to change before behavior will change, and those who see this, need to keep speaking out. So thank you for doing so!