The most recent addition to the collection: The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. It’s a disturbing yet riveting discussion about how narcissism in “normal” people is on the rise in our country and why. Reading it I couldn’t help think of my most recent posts on the selfish issue…

Twenge and Campbell talk about identify five causes of rising narcissism in American culture:

– the “self esteem movement” of the 70s has gone too far and has led to an over-focus on self-admiration

–celebrity glorification (obsession with people who are obsessed with themselves, being famous and rich) and how the media encourages it

–how the internet works as a platform for self-admiration and attention seeking (and how easily it lets one be someone s/he’s not)

–pre-great recession easy credit (being able to borrow money easily has allowed people to present an inflated picture of their own success to themselves and others)

– “parent involvement” has been taken to the extreme to now child-centered, over-involved parenting, leading to over indulged, self-entitled kids

This last one made me wonder about what people wrote in regarding how parents can be selfish.  How much has this recent real people narcissism phenomenon influenced parents’ self-centeredness when it comes their kids?  Pre 1970s, before this phenom began to gestate, did we see less of the kinds of things people talk about as selfish parental acts? The phenom seems a part of what has been termed these days as kids being “projects to perfect” as a way to make parents look and feel good.

When it comes to the perception that the childfree are selfish, I have been attributing much of it to pronatalistic thinking, which puts parenthood on a pedestal over and above all else. Upon reading this book, I also ponder how much of growing narcissistic tendencies in the average person does not contribute to the perception – more people are already more self-involved, so it would be even easier to see people with no kids as “it’s all about me.”

In any case, this book is a worthwhile, yet scary read. If the trend continues, it will contribute to further cultural, social and economic demise….

Have you read this book or books like it? Do you see this phenomenon out there? What does it look like in parents and not?

The August question: 

Enough about the myth that the childfree are selfish because they don’t have kids. 

How can parents be selfish? What are signs of a selfish parent? 

September question: Look to your right in the On-the-Ground section and tell us your story~ 

Dr. Catherine Hakim, Senior Fellow at the London School of Economics, baby coach Beth Follini, writer Cristina Odone and Melanie Notkin, the creator of SavvyAuntie discuss some of the usual topics on the childfree, but make a number of interesting points, especially when you compare it to what’s happening in the United States. Here are 10 points that stand out:

• 10% of women in Europe between the ages of 25-45 report being voluntarily childless (and excludes those who are “parents by proxy”). 25%of women in Germany are childess by choice. In the States, the closest we have based on research is 6% of women aged 35-44 who are voluntarily childless. 
• How much does economics drive the choice? Hakin says not at all–the choice is distributed across the “social spectrum.”  This is different than what some research says in the States, particularly in times of recession.
• Is there still a stigma associated with being childfree? Hakin says that it’s a question of generation and age, and that the stigma is gone now.  Do you think the stigma is totally gone now in the States?
• The decrease in fertility is not due to not wanting children, it is due more to people having smaller families.  Being childfree is “a separate phenomenon.”
• According to Notkin, July 25th is “Auntie Day” — who knew?!
• 40-50% of commenters on SavvyAuntie are childfree (as opposed to” aunties” who want kids but do not have them)
• A certain “kind” of woman says no to motherhood: includes things such as being an “alpha” woman,” a fear of ramifications to their career, fear of the lack of freedom, fear of the loss of opportunity, fear of the loss of their identity to motherhood, and/or a fear of falling short of being the “ideal” mother. CF women out there, which if any would you say are true for you? I see that these can be true but certainly not a given. How about just the lack of desire to be a mother? 
• Women still feel they need to choose between their career and being a “caring, nurturing mom”–one or the other.  The message  is you can’t have/be both. Do you see this here?
• There are women that have regrets that they did not have children, e.g, never met the right person at the right time. Do you think there are more women who fall into this category in the States than those who chose not to merely because they never wanted them?
• It is not just a matter of biological urge–there are huge social and psychological influences are powerful motivators as well;  “our minds are engaged much more than we give it credit for”–amen!

I love seeing pieces like this. It reminds us that the childfree phenomenon is not just in the United States, but in many other countries around the world. It’s worth a listen for sure!

The July question: What gives your life meaning and fulfillment? How would describe your purpose in life?

Look to your right in the On-the-Ground section for August’s question!

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (VHEMT) might have radical ideas,

but I ran across piece on their site called, “Why Breed” that looks at the most common reasons people give for wanting children, the real reasons beneath that reason, and suggested alternatives instead of having a child. 

I talk to lots of couples who are examining their reasons for wanting/not wanting children, and find VHEMT’s list rather insightful, especially when it comes to the “real” reasons people think they want kids. Thinking about alternatives is also very good food for thought. Said another way–when thinking of what they will get out of parenthood, it is very useful to think about how they can get the experience they are looking for in another way. From VHEMT’s the piece..

1=Reason given re wanting kids; 2=Real reasons; 3= Suggested alternative

1 I can’t help it; it’s a biological urge.
2 Unexamined motivations.
3 Institutions await those who can’t control their biological urges

1 Want to give our parents grandchildren.
2 Still seeking parental approval.
3 Live your own life and encourage your parents to do the same.

1 I just love children.
2 Out of touch with inner child, and with existing children.
3 Adopt, step, and foster parenting. Big Brother/Sister. Work with children, teach.

1 I have superior human genes.
2 Doesn’t recognize an oxymoron. Megalomania.
3 Do great things with your genes, rather than expecting the next cultured batch to do it.

1 Need help on farm or in family business.
2 Too cheap to hire help. Child labor laws inconvenient.
3 Mechanization gives faster return on investment.

1 Want someone to care for me in my old age.
2 Fear of aging. Exploitative personality.
3 Save money and prepare for retirement. Be nice to people so they will visit you in the home.

1 Pregnancy and childbirth are life experiences.
2 Life choices limited by social indoctrination.
3 Rent pregnancy simulator. Choose different life experiences.

1 A good family is essential to career advancement and strong standing in the community.
2 Social insecurity. Wants trophy children to improve social status.
3 Rent children from talent agency on special occasions. Have white picket fence installed.

1 We want to create a life that embodies our love for each other.
2 Ego, times two, minus imagination, equals three plus.
3 Garden. Adopt a stream, trail, or highway. Rescue animals. Protect & restore ecosystems to embody love.

1 I want my kids (who don’t exist yet) to have all the things I didn’t have.
2 Unfulfilled childhood desires and fantasies.
3 Deal with regrets & make best of life. Provide for existing children.

1 To carry on family name.
2 Trying to please Dad. Duped by bloodline superstition.
3 Create something enduring & give it family name. Donate blood to pass on bloodline.

1 Want to see a little me.
2 Self-absorption. Lack of ego gratification.
3 Order custom-made, life-like doll. Create a gratifying life of your own.

1 God wants us to.
2 Mindless obedience to dogma peddlers who want larger flocks.
3 Seek true nature of God, whatever you perceive God to be.

1 My wife/husband wants a baby.
2 Giving in out of fear of losing partner.
3 Communicate true desires. Spouse may feel you’re the one who wants to breed.
Rent baby simulator doll.

1 Want a child with our bloodline.
2 Ego extension. Racial identity.
3 Recognize value of people with different genetic make-ups.

1 It’s a spiritual thing for me.
2 Other reasons too easily refuted.
3 Find truly spiritual experiences.

1 I’ve always wanted to have children; it’s what people do.
2 Unquestioned cultural conditioning.
3 Communicate to strengthen relationship. Attend retreats for bonding couples.

1 I love babies.
2 Shortsighted view of reality.
3 Babies soon turn into children, who turn into adults. Infant care work is available.

1 Being a mother is a woman’s highest calling.
2 Beguiled into believing compliance is noble free choice.
3 Motherhood, and fatherhood, may be achieved without breeding. Many children wait for good homes.

1 My child could find a way to save the world.
2 “Mother of God” complex. (Also applies to men).
3 If you want something done right, do it yourself.

1 We’d like to try for a boy/girl this time.
2 Ego extension. Gender identity insecurity. Dissatisfaction with existing offspring.
3 Appreciate who you have, they might resent their sibling whose gender is
preferred.

1 I just want to.
2 Just wants to.
3 Choosing to breed precludes most other things you’ll just want to do.

1 I want someone who will love me and not leave me.
2 Fear of rejection. Unresolved relationship issues.
3 Give love to get love. Accept change and deal with loss.

1 Our economy needs young workers to replace retired workers.
2 Willing to sacrifice offspring to gods of National Economy.
3 Automation reduces need for wage slaves. Consider rights of unconceived to stay
that way.

1 The world needs more of us or we’ll be outnumbered.
2 Elitism. Xenophobia. Eugenics easier to conceal than genocide.
3 Convert others to your views so there’ll be one more of your kind and one less of
Them.

1 We may as well; the planet is doomed anyway.
2 Nihilistic natalism.
3 Consider ethics of sentencing an innocent person to life, and death, in ecological
collapse.

1 I’d like to achieve a sense of immortality.
2 Fear of death and non-existence.
3 Accept mortality. Spread memes not genes. Socrates’ heirs are not apparent,
but his ideas linger strong.

1 My biological clock has gone off.
2 Women’s normal heightened sexual desire in 30s & 40s difficult to accept in puritanical societies.
3 Disarm that culturally implanted mental time bomb. It’s okay to make love and not babies.

1 I don’t know.
2 Never thought about it. Unthinking conformity.
3 Think before you breed, and you might not.

1 I might regret not having had the experience later, when it’s too late.
2 Fear of future worries and life passing too fast.
3 We can’t experience everything. Far better to regret not breeding than to
regret breeding.

1 I do not want to deny my kids (who do not exist yet) the joy of existence.
2 Ignoring lack of joy in existing children.
3 Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence.

Les Knight of VHEMT writes that a desire to conform to what society considers normal probably ranks number one as the cause of wanted pregnancies. I tend to agree.  And pronatalism is the queen of “normal.”  

Which “real” reasons do you think are most common?
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