The most recent addition to the collection: The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell. It’s a disturbing yet riveting discussion about how narcissism in “normal” people is on the rise in our country and why. Reading it I couldn’t help think of my most recent posts on the selfish issue…

Twenge and Campbell talk about identify five causes of rising narcissism in American culture:

– the “self esteem movement” of the 70s has gone too far and has led to an over-focus on self-admiration

–celebrity glorification (obsession with people who are obsessed with themselves, being famous and rich) and how the media encourages it

–how the internet works as a platform for self-admiration and attention seeking (and how easily it lets one be someone s/he’s not)

–pre-great recession easy credit (being able to borrow money easily has allowed people to present an inflated picture of their own success to themselves and others)

– “parent involvement” has been taken to the extreme to now child-centered, over-involved parenting, leading to over indulged, self-entitled kids

This last one made me wonder about what people wrote in regarding how parents can be selfish.  How much has this recent real people narcissism phenomenon influenced parents’ self-centeredness when it comes their kids?  Pre 1970s, before this phenom began to gestate, did we see less of the kinds of things people talk about as selfish parental acts? The phenom seems a part of what has been termed these days as kids being “projects to perfect” as a way to make parents look and feel good.

When it comes to the perception that the childfree are selfish, I have been attributing much of it to pronatalistic thinking, which puts parenthood on a pedestal over and above all else. Upon reading this book, I also ponder how much of growing narcissistic tendencies in the average person does not contribute to the perception – more people are already more self-involved, so it would be even easier to see people with no kids as “it’s all about me.”

In any case, this book is a worthwhile, yet scary read. If the trend continues, it will contribute to further cultural, social and economic demise….

Have you read this book or books like it? Do you see this phenomenon out there? What does it look like in parents and not?

Thanks again to all that wrote in — parents and childfree.  And double thanks to parents’ candor. It really does help expand the conversation on selfishness, with kids and without. 

Here’s a few more themes that came up from parents: 

Some parents talked about how it’s selfish if you know what do to as parents and don’t, like not: giving them good nutrition, love and nurturing, praise, and discipline. On discipline, it can be self-centered to refrain from disciplining children when the parents make not wanting to deal with an upset child more important than giving the child the discipline they know s/he needs.  Then there is the issue of time: it can be selfish when the parents just don’t spend the time with their children they know they need to, and choose to tend to their own  needs instead.

In addition to what I mention in the vlog regarding how parents think it is selfish when they think of themselves at the expense of their kids, some said in effect that it’s also selfish when they think of themselves “over” the needs of their kids. For example, this can be bringing them to a movie or some kind of entertainment the parents want to see but they are clearly not ready for, or taking them on trips the parents want to go on but one that the kid is clearly not ready to go on. 

Another point that came up in various forms was the issue of day care.  While in many families day care is necessary because both parents need to work outside the home, some parents argue that it can be a selfish choice when the parent would rather be at work, or when the motivation boils down to making a certain lifestyle more important (that requires two full time incomes) than what they believe is best for the kids (one parent at home). 

Finally, a few quotes from parents I really liked: 

On selfless parenting: “Ideally we should selflessly embrace our kid’s childhood dreams, educate them on the whimsy or intelligence of those choices and be there to offer assistance in achieving their dreams.” 

On why we judge: “People get so judgmental on all these issues (kids vs. non-kids, different kinds of parenting, etc) because it seems like at the root of it all is great insecurity.  Being a parent means making decisions you hope will turn out ok, feeling unsure, shooting in the dark sometimes.  So if you are feeling this way at times, it’s easy to be judgmental of other people and how they parent, or whether they decide to parent or not. ”
 

And Ok, I just have to: “We have a daughter and son-in-law and a son and daughter-in-law who have made the decision not to have children. They are caring and loving couples who touch the lives of many people of all ages. I am very proud of them. Some couples have children because their “selfish” parents want and expect grandchildren in their lives.  They want that experience for themselves whether it is the best situation for everyone involved. Parenthood is a lifetime commitment and one which I have loved, but it is not right or the best decision for everyone.”   

Who wrote that? Even my Mom wrote in!  I’ve got a great one..there she is on the above right, with my late grandmother….  

Please add to the conversation~!
 

The August question: 

Enough about the myth that the childfree are selfish because they don’t have kids. 

How can parents be selfish? What are signs of a selfish parent? 

September question: Look to your right in the On-the-Ground section and tell us your story~ 

“I do not have 100 reasons not to have children, I have 3 and they are more than enough for me.

1) I have a complete lack of desire. I have zero interest in interacting with children, let alone bearing and raising my own. I believe that being a parent is something that you should desire with your whole heart, something that you should have a passion for and feel called to be. And I simply don’t, I never have. I knew when I was just a child myself that being a parent wasn’t God’s plan for my life. It would be very wrong to bring children into the world that are not wanted.

2) We are wholly content and satisfied with our current family dynamic (yes, we believe that husband + wife = family) and have not felt lead or found any reason to alter it. We believe that the foremost purpose of marriage is to be a tangible illustration of Christ’s unconditional, sacrificial love for the Church and a way of bringing glory to God. We strive to be an example of what a God centered union looks like and use that example as a witness. We believe that we are better able to fulfill this purpose by keeping our relationship our first priority. We focus on being a blessing to one another every day.

3) Not having children affords us opportunities to serve others in ways that childed families can’t. We believe that another predominant purpose for marriage is becoming better equipped to serve God by becoming one. For us leaving it at “one” is both natural and essential. We have time to devote and minister to those in need of it, including caring for our parents as they age. We feel so blessed to have the ability to honor them and give back to them at this stage of their life.

I have seen some of the lists that you are talking about, and while I can see those things as being “benefits” of being childfree they are definitely not true deciding factors.

Please understand that the majority of childfree folks (including myself) are NOT trying to convince the world that they shouldn’t have children. We do NOT believe that there is anything fundamentally wrong with choosing to have children. We do NOT hate children or wish them to come to harm. However, we do believe that having children is NOT the right path for every individual and that becoming a parent is NOT the default in life. We must all choose a path that we are suited to and feel called to travel. For us that is a path that does not include becoming parents.

If parents would comprehend 3 things about the childfree I truly believe that the animosity between us would decrease. The first being that we are not attacking you or your choices just because we have chosen something different. Please extend the same courtesy to us.

The second is that our existences are no less valid, valuable or fulfilling than yours. Again, we are all different and there’s nothing wrong with that. And third that we are normal average people! We are not cold, bitter or angry. We love, give and have passions just like you do!

And we certainly are not selfish or immature just because we are not parents. Are those adjectives that you would use to describe Mother Theresa? Or Jesus Christ? Because neither of them had children. What about Andrea Yates (the mother who drowned her 5 children in the bathtub) does she qualify as selfless and mature just because she was a parent?

I leave this comment with no disrespect and certainly not with the intent of stirring up negativity, but just with sincere hope that you and your readers will not judge so harshly people who have chosen not to have children.”

I too want to try and encourage expanded dialogue and mutual understanding. The August on-the-ground question on the selfish issue is one such attempt. While we hear lots about how the childfree are selfish, hear the childfree AND parents weigh in on how parents can be selfish.  Lots of productive comment to come. Stay tuned!

Some comments he got in response to the piece about why the childfree might be wrong were fierce and he felt that a final piece would clarify some things:

1. Don’t take it personally. He claims that the series of posts was simply an intellectual exercise, musing about the pros and cons of childlessness. Nothing more. I beg to differ. I welcome intellectual and respectful discussion and this was not that–his judgments come through loud and clear.

2. Being judgmental in a blog post isn’t the same thing as being judgmental in person. He says it’s ok to be judging in writing, but don’t worry he would never tell you may be wrong to your face. In person or in writing, as I’ve harped before, judgment gets us nowhere.

3. Respect for other people’s decisions doesn’t mean you can’t talk about them. Sure, talk about it but I’d sure like to see more talk that has the intent toward understanding and embracing differences.

4. I don’t believe in “identity politics.’ That as “breeder” (insert by me: I wish this word was not used–it reeks of judgment) the childfree claim he has no right to talk about the choices of childfree people. Here we agree – just because he is a parent doesn’t mean he should not talk about the childfree.  It is the way he chooses to talk about it that widens the divide. He might have had his childfree friend Bruce Gillespie, editor of Nobody’s Father, in his first piece, but it seems he uses Gillespie to set up judgmental debate on both sides.

5. No one’s decisions are perfect…”just as parents can have kids and regret it — that the childless can, too. My posts were simply an exploration of the ways in which childless people could, theoretically, make the wrong decision.” That may be, but again, the way in which he discusses it only serves to create defense.

6. If you don’t like controversy, go read another blog.  He has “zero interest in writing a ‘tame, let’s-all-hold-hands-and-sing-Kumbaya type of blog.’”  Fair enough on that too.  He likes controversy and has every right to spur it on if he so chooses.

And that’s what he did in this case. The follow up piece seems to be trying to backpetal a bit so that readers more clearly understand his intentions. While he may have tried to theoretically and intellectually discuss the issue, I read it, sometimes not so between the lines, as mostly another example of judgmental commentary. 

I highlight Chad’s pieces as a way to contend that the middle ground between kumbaya and judgmental commentary written to spur controversy and defense is the more productive arena for discussion.  That is what I shoot for on this blog.  I welcome respectul, spirited debate and discussion, which does not include making others wrong. I have just seen too much of this on both sides, and continue to feel that in the end it does not ultimately serve either camp.

What are your reactions to Chad’ pieces? What are other examples of pieces that slam childfree or parents that in your opinion only result in a widened divide?