The August question: 

Enough about the myth that the childfree are selfish because they don’t have kids. 

How can parents be selfish? What are signs of a selfish parent? 

September question: Look to your right in the On-the-Ground section and tell us your story~ 

Well we can obviously contest this, but given this month’s On the Ground question re how parents can be selfish (see the On the Ground  section to the right), I thought we’d take a look at their list and see how many on it are based in selfishness–a reason that boils down to what having the kid will do for the parent. How many do you count? Here’s the list:

100+ Reasons to Have Children

1. Have a happier marriage. 
2. Pay less income taxes.
3. Learn to share, and like it.
4. The ultimate diet plan: morning sickness and breastfeeding. 
5. Enjoy snuggles on demand, around the clock.
6. Cuteness abounds.
7. Disposable diapers.  There.  I said it.
8. Receive preferential treatment in grocery lines.
9. Be seated first (or last, if you prefer) on planes.
10. Park in the “stork” space at grocery stores.
11. Have an excuse to buy cool toys and cute little outfits.
12. Children will love you on your worst day, and…
13. they think you’re beautiful, even on bad hair days,
14. or when you’re not wearing makeup.
15. Free entertainment: kids are hilarious. 
16. Laughter is good for your health.  See above.
17. Have family still living when you’re old.
18. Have someone to help you when you’re old.
19. Grandkids!
20. Have someone to help care for your pets.
21. But who needs pets?  Kids are way cuter, and they last longer.
22. Unlike pets, kids eventually learn to take care of their own poop.
23. Get a lollipop every time you go to the bank, along with your children.
24. Tone your arms the old-fashioned way: tote a toddler.
25. Kids eat free at many restaurants.
26. Have an excuse to buy junk food.
27. Sharing your junk food means less stays on your own hips.
28. Children will eat and appreciate your failed cooking experiments.
29. Embarrass your kids.  You won’t believe how fun it is.  Displays of affection with your spouse work well for this.
30. Be better able to encourage other parents during rough times with their children because you’ve been-there-done-that.
31. Blow bubbles.
32. Give your friends somewhere to send their kids’ hand-me-downs.
33. Burn calories: play with your kids.
34. Kids will help hone your reactions with obstacle courses on the stairs.
35. Save money by not buying birth control.
36. Have s*x without worrying about pregnancy.  It’s fun.
37. Ask anyone who has given birth: the pains of labor are worth it.
38. Pregnancy reduces menstrual cramps in subsequent periods.
39. Pregnancy lowers your risk of ovarian cancer.
40. Breastfeeding lowers your risk of breast cancer,
41. and uterine cancer,
42. and osteoporosis.
43. Not using birth control lowers your risk of ectopic pregnancy.
44. Think pregnancy dooms you to getting fat?  Take a look at my mom with her 14 kids.  Can you even tell which one she is? (from LC: photo omitted–what? Does this mean that pregnancy makes you thin?)
45. Pregnancy requires you to eat more.  I can appreciate that.
46. Be motivated to be a better person.  Little eyes are watching.
47. Help raise the languishing birth rate.
48. Learn alongside your children.
49. Read books you never would have discovered on your own.
50. Reread your childhood favorites with and to a new generation.
51. See the world through new, unjaded eyes.
52. See yourself through your baby’s eyes.  It’s amazing.
53. See yourself through your children’s eyes.  You’ll never be the same again.
54. See your flaws reflected in your children.  It’s enlightening and humbling.
55. Kids will make you proud and keep you humble.
56. If you make a mess while eating, everyone will assume the kids did it.
57. Kid will say what you wish you could say, but can’t.
58. Strengthen your relationship with your own parents by becoming a parent yourself.
59. Stay physically active.  It’s much harder to be lazy when little ones depend on you.
60. Improved immune system.  It’s a law of nature: Moms never get sick.
61. If you do get sick, you have someone to take care of you without your spouse taking time off work.
62. Baby smiles.
63. Carrying a baby?  Strangers will smile at you.
64. Babies are also a great conversation starter.
65. Learn to delight in everyday occurrences.
66. Translate toddler gibberish with ease for puzzled onlookers.
67. Your own love for your child gives you a small taste of how much God loves His children.
68. Live vicariously: remember that toy you never got as a child, but you’re too old to want it now?  Let your kids try it out.
69. Relive your childhood: remember the toy you did get as a child?  Let your kids try it out.
70. Rediscover the joy of crayons.
71. Job security: moms have it.
72. Learn and believe that happiness really doesn’t come from material wealth…
73. …yet be amazed at how much joy you can buy your child with a quarter.
74. Kids are cheap.
75. Marvel that 2 people can produce children that are better-looking than either parent.  Heredity is a strange and wonderful thing.
76. Be welcomed home like a returning war hero every time you go grocery shopping or to the post office.
77. Be looked at like this:
    
78. Soft little fingers and toes.  They’re cute on other people’s children, but utterly priceless on your own children.
79. The unbearable cuteness of newborn-size diapers. (credit: Deanna)
80. Discover your super powers: make milk, and heal mortal wounds with a kiss.
81. Ask any parent you know if they regret having kids.
82. Learn to appreciate simple pleasures: ice cream cones, a single M&M, homemade cookies.
83. Do you love your spouse?  Experience a miracle: a new person who looks like both of you.
84. After 10 years of children, washing dishes becomes optional.  (credit: Deanna)
85. Get special treatment on Mother’s Day.
86. Breakfast in bed is fun, even when it’s cheerios and multi vitamins.  (credit: Becca)
87. Experience the triumph of potty training.
88. Have the advantage of a youthful memory again: have your kids remind you about important things.  (credit: Megan)
89. Expand your wardrobe: share clothes with your teens.
90. Gather candy from the piñata without getting funny looks.
91. Have help cooking.
92. Be a safer driver,
93. In a safer vehicle.
94. Free or cheap manicures and pedicures.  I pay a dollar.
95. Ditto for back/shoulder rubs.
96. Perpetually late?  You don’t even have to blame it on the kids.  People will assume.
97. Vanity?  You’ll look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
98. Paint your kids’ nails in a color you like but could never wear yourself.
99. Have your bed made for $.25/day.  Maid service has never been so cheap or cheerful, and there’s no need to report payments to the IRS.
100. If you’ve never had a baby fall asleep on your chest, you just don’t know what you’re missing.
101. Homemade friends.  My children are some of my favorite companions.
102. Kids with money ROCK!  They buy their own clothes, treat you to Starbucks, and buy you unbelievable birthday/Christmas gifts.
103. World domination through militant fecundity! [maniacal laughter]
104. Children are part of God’s purpose for creating marriage: But did He not make them one,
     Having a remnant of the Spirit?
     And why one?
     He seeks godly offspring.  Malachi 2:15

My count: ALL of these seem from a “what my kid does for me” perspective. Ok maybe not the one about the “languishing birthrates” — like there is no population problem–that reason is just outright wrong (as are others based on research). And maybe not the last one — having kids for God–oh but maybe yes, as this will get them through the gates of heaven I guess.

Signs of a selfish parent? A list like this!

Views of the writer on the childfree and this list make me think of how parents and childfree can be such worlds apart–that we may never understand each other.  I can accept that. What I find unfair is the continued view that just because you don’t want to experience parenthood in life means you are selfish.   Clearly there are many ways to be selfish and a parent, starting with this list.

What is your count? What do you think of these reasons? What are other signs of a selfish parent?

This idea takes me to the issue of overpopulation. Some experts believe it’s driving many environmental issues and global warming. But other experts don’t agree.  There’s a range of expert positions. Let’s start with a most interesting one. Check out this video of Ted Rosling, Professor of International Health at Karolinska Institute in Sweden. Definitely worth the watch–

Rosling thinks the solution is investing in the alleviation of poverty and green technology.  One area that puzzles me is how he thinks that focusing on lowering infant mortality will somehow result in women having fewer babies. Birth control will result in fewer babies. Or does he think that if women know their babies will survive they will be more likely to use birth control thus have fewer babies?

Others start with family planning as the solution to planet woes. The Optimum Population Trust believes that good family planning in poor countries is the way to reduce the likelihood of “catastrophic global warming.” It has done a cost-benefit analysis, and claims that getting info and access to birth control in order to majorly reduce unwanted pregnancies is the cheapest way to reduce carbon emissions.

Others say no, forget population—it is not the problem. Take Fred Pearce, author of The Coming Population Crash. He says that because half the world is already at below-replacement birthrates, and those rates are still falling fast such that the world’s population will probably be shrinking within a generation.  He also predicts that the planet could have almost 9 billion people before population “bomb” will truly be diffused and we’ll see a population crash. He believes consumption is the problem to be solved so all of those people can live on the planet.

Two births per woman is considered a “replacement rate” for population. 125 out of 223 countries have above replacement birthrates, and 43/223 have double the replacement rate, with 4 or more children.  With these kind of numbers how can he predict that the population will be shrinking in a generation?

Ok then there’s the experts who believe the problem is the growing population and consumption. Robert Walker, the Executive Vice President of the Population Institute, is of this mindset. He believes that we’re already struggling to feed the almost 7 billion people that are here, and unless we “curb our consumption of fossil fuels and scarce minerals, the world is headed for an ecological and humanitarian disaster.”

Seems to me getting to an environmentally sustainable population is a stew of all these factors: Get better reproductive health services and family planning services to poor countries to get them closer to replacement rates; decrease consumption, not just here where we are already the biggest hogs, but in other countries who insist on becoming super consumers like us; invest in green technology to avoid climate change and keep it cheap so poor and developing countries can afford to use these green technologies.

But I still ask myself–what is the cutoff of the number of kids to have such that it will enhance the chances that they and others already here will live in a world that is sustainable?  Still more to learn on all of this, but seems a reasonable position is literal replacement–replace yourself and that’s it. You want more kids after that–adopt one of the growing millions who need a home.

What do you think?

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (VHEMT) might have radical ideas,

but I ran across piece on their site called, “Why Breed” that looks at the most common reasons people give for wanting children, the real reasons beneath that reason, and suggested alternatives instead of having a child. 

I talk to lots of couples who are examining their reasons for wanting/not wanting children, and find VHEMT’s list rather insightful, especially when it comes to the “real” reasons people think they want kids. Thinking about alternatives is also very good food for thought. Said another way–when thinking of what they will get out of parenthood, it is very useful to think about how they can get the experience they are looking for in another way. From VHEMT’s the piece..

1=Reason given re wanting kids; 2=Real reasons; 3= Suggested alternative

1 I can’t help it; it’s a biological urge.
2 Unexamined motivations.
3 Institutions await those who can’t control their biological urges

1 Want to give our parents grandchildren.
2 Still seeking parental approval.
3 Live your own life and encourage your parents to do the same.

1 I just love children.
2 Out of touch with inner child, and with existing children.
3 Adopt, step, and foster parenting. Big Brother/Sister. Work with children, teach.

1 I have superior human genes.
2 Doesn’t recognize an oxymoron. Megalomania.
3 Do great things with your genes, rather than expecting the next cultured batch to do it.

1 Need help on farm or in family business.
2 Too cheap to hire help. Child labor laws inconvenient.
3 Mechanization gives faster return on investment.

1 Want someone to care for me in my old age.
2 Fear of aging. Exploitative personality.
3 Save money and prepare for retirement. Be nice to people so they will visit you in the home.

1 Pregnancy and childbirth are life experiences.
2 Life choices limited by social indoctrination.
3 Rent pregnancy simulator. Choose different life experiences.

1 A good family is essential to career advancement and strong standing in the community.
2 Social insecurity. Wants trophy children to improve social status.
3 Rent children from talent agency on special occasions. Have white picket fence installed.

1 We want to create a life that embodies our love for each other.
2 Ego, times two, minus imagination, equals three plus.
3 Garden. Adopt a stream, trail, or highway. Rescue animals. Protect & restore ecosystems to embody love.

1 I want my kids (who don’t exist yet) to have all the things I didn’t have.
2 Unfulfilled childhood desires and fantasies.
3 Deal with regrets & make best of life. Provide for existing children.

1 To carry on family name.
2 Trying to please Dad. Duped by bloodline superstition.
3 Create something enduring & give it family name. Donate blood to pass on bloodline.

1 Want to see a little me.
2 Self-absorption. Lack of ego gratification.
3 Order custom-made, life-like doll. Create a gratifying life of your own.

1 God wants us to.
2 Mindless obedience to dogma peddlers who want larger flocks.
3 Seek true nature of God, whatever you perceive God to be.

1 My wife/husband wants a baby.
2 Giving in out of fear of losing partner.
3 Communicate true desires. Spouse may feel you’re the one who wants to breed.
Rent baby simulator doll.

1 Want a child with our bloodline.
2 Ego extension. Racial identity.
3 Recognize value of people with different genetic make-ups.

1 It’s a spiritual thing for me.
2 Other reasons too easily refuted.
3 Find truly spiritual experiences.

1 I’ve always wanted to have children; it’s what people do.
2 Unquestioned cultural conditioning.
3 Communicate to strengthen relationship. Attend retreats for bonding couples.

1 I love babies.
2 Shortsighted view of reality.
3 Babies soon turn into children, who turn into adults. Infant care work is available.

1 Being a mother is a woman’s highest calling.
2 Beguiled into believing compliance is noble free choice.
3 Motherhood, and fatherhood, may be achieved without breeding. Many children wait for good homes.

1 My child could find a way to save the world.
2 “Mother of God” complex. (Also applies to men).
3 If you want something done right, do it yourself.

1 We’d like to try for a boy/girl this time.
2 Ego extension. Gender identity insecurity. Dissatisfaction with existing offspring.
3 Appreciate who you have, they might resent their sibling whose gender is
preferred.

1 I just want to.
2 Just wants to.
3 Choosing to breed precludes most other things you’ll just want to do.

1 I want someone who will love me and not leave me.
2 Fear of rejection. Unresolved relationship issues.
3 Give love to get love. Accept change and deal with loss.

1 Our economy needs young workers to replace retired workers.
2 Willing to sacrifice offspring to gods of National Economy.
3 Automation reduces need for wage slaves. Consider rights of unconceived to stay
that way.

1 The world needs more of us or we’ll be outnumbered.
2 Elitism. Xenophobia. Eugenics easier to conceal than genocide.
3 Convert others to your views so there’ll be one more of your kind and one less of
Them.

1 We may as well; the planet is doomed anyway.
2 Nihilistic natalism.
3 Consider ethics of sentencing an innocent person to life, and death, in ecological
collapse.

1 I’d like to achieve a sense of immortality.
2 Fear of death and non-existence.
3 Accept mortality. Spread memes not genes. Socrates’ heirs are not apparent,
but his ideas linger strong.

1 My biological clock has gone off.
2 Women’s normal heightened sexual desire in 30s & 40s difficult to accept in puritanical societies.
3 Disarm that culturally implanted mental time bomb. It’s okay to make love and not babies.

1 I don’t know.
2 Never thought about it. Unthinking conformity.
3 Think before you breed, and you might not.

1 I might regret not having had the experience later, when it’s too late.
2 Fear of future worries and life passing too fast.
3 We can’t experience everything. Far better to regret not breeding than to
regret breeding.

1 I do not want to deny my kids (who do not exist yet) the joy of existence.
2 Ignoring lack of joy in existing children.
3 Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence.

Les Knight of VHEMT writes that a desire to conform to what society considers normal probably ranks number one as the cause of wanted pregnancies. I tend to agree.  And pronatalism is the queen of “normal.”  

Which “real” reasons do you think are most common?
****************************

A recent study by the Milan-based International Center for Family Studies indicates Italy’s fertility rate is 1.31 children born per woman. And although there are high levels of foreign immigration, the report indicates only .047 decrease in population in 2009.

Unlike most studies in the U.S. the study looked at the choice factor when it comes to being childless. It found that …

…57.8 per cent of childless households said they had no children out of “personal choice” and the reasons “include a general sense of uncertainty about the future and the inherent difficulties involved in raising children.” For those who had one child when asked why only one their reasons boiled down to being mindful about how many they could afford to raise. 

But this isn’t a good enough reason for the church and the government, who are concerned Italy is not having enough babies. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is seeking ways to ”remove ‘material reasons’ that push women to seek abortions and limit their family size.” 

They have tried it before; a cash incentive for having more children was implemented in 2003, and it failed. The Labor and Welfare Minister Roberto Maroni offered 1000 Euros to every woman who had a second child. Off the bat about 190,000 women took the offer, but then applications for the incentive ”petered out.”

Maybe the 190,000 reflects families that wanted a second child and the incentive pushed them over. But 1000 euros? Seems most Italians would want more than that. How about a sizable contribution to college funds? Or a certain percentage of the cost of raising the child, since this seems to be at the heart of it for many one-child or would-be parents. 

But is it a matter of money, really?? This scheme made me think–for those that are childfree–is there an amount of money you could be paid to become a parent?  If you have one child and are reticent to have another, is there an amount of money that would get you to have #2? Is there a number, no matter how big it might be, or is it a decision that no amount of money could be paid?

I also wonder–is it really so bad that 50% of the population has 1+ children? That 25% have one? 25% have 2 or more? Are these numbers really going to cause the demise of their population?  If they want more population, how about making immigration even easier–why does it need to be biological births in their country?

I also find it interesting that a seriously catholic country has one of the lowest birth rates..a religion that makes birth control a sin, and a vasectomy ok as long as you go to confession! When it comes to family planning, I hope people there continue to make decisions that are best for them, no matter what the church and government may think about it.