The August question: 

Enough about the myth that the childfree are selfish because they don’t have kids. 

How can parents be selfish? What are signs of a selfish parent? 

September question: Look to your right in the On-the-Ground section and tell us your story~ 

This idea takes me to the issue of overpopulation. Some experts believe it’s driving many environmental issues and global warming. But other experts don’t agree.  There’s a range of expert positions. Let’s start with a most interesting one. Check out this video of Ted Rosling, Professor of International Health at Karolinska Institute in Sweden. Definitely worth the watch–

Rosling thinks the solution is investing in the alleviation of poverty and green technology.  One area that puzzles me is how he thinks that focusing on lowering infant mortality will somehow result in women having fewer babies. Birth control will result in fewer babies. Or does he think that if women know their babies will survive they will be more likely to use birth control thus have fewer babies?

Others start with family planning as the solution to planet woes. The Optimum Population Trust believes that good family planning in poor countries is the way to reduce the likelihood of “catastrophic global warming.” It has done a cost-benefit analysis, and claims that getting info and access to birth control in order to majorly reduce unwanted pregnancies is the cheapest way to reduce carbon emissions.

Others say no, forget population—it is not the problem. Take Fred Pearce, author of The Coming Population Crash. He says that because half the world is already at below-replacement birthrates, and those rates are still falling fast such that the world’s population will probably be shrinking within a generation.  He also predicts that the planet could have almost 9 billion people before population “bomb” will truly be diffused and we’ll see a population crash. He believes consumption is the problem to be solved so all of those people can live on the planet.

Two births per woman is considered a “replacement rate” for population. 125 out of 223 countries have above replacement birthrates, and 43/223 have double the replacement rate, with 4 or more children.  With these kind of numbers how can he predict that the population will be shrinking in a generation?

Ok then there’s the experts who believe the problem is the growing population and consumption. Robert Walker, the Executive Vice President of the Population Institute, is of this mindset. He believes that we’re already struggling to feed the almost 7 billion people that are here, and unless we “curb our consumption of fossil fuels and scarce minerals, the world is headed for an ecological and humanitarian disaster.”

Seems to me getting to an environmentally sustainable population is a stew of all these factors: Get better reproductive health services and family planning services to poor countries to get them closer to replacement rates; decrease consumption, not just here where we are already the biggest hogs, but in other countries who insist on becoming super consumers like us; invest in green technology to avoid climate change and keep it cheap so poor and developing countries can afford to use these green technologies.

But I still ask myself–what is the cutoff of the number of kids to have such that it will enhance the chances that they and others already here will live in a world that is sustainable?  Still more to learn on all of this, but seems a reasonable position is literal replacement–replace yourself and that’s it. You want more kids after that–adopt one of the growing millions who need a home.

What do you think?

The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (VHEMT) might have radical ideas,

but I ran across piece on their site called, “Why Breed” that looks at the most common reasons people give for wanting children, the real reasons beneath that reason, and suggested alternatives instead of having a child. 

I talk to lots of couples who are examining their reasons for wanting/not wanting children, and find VHEMT’s list rather insightful, especially when it comes to the “real” reasons people think they want kids. Thinking about alternatives is also very good food for thought. Said another way–when thinking of what they will get out of parenthood, it is very useful to think about how they can get the experience they are looking for in another way. From VHEMT’s the piece..

1=Reason given re wanting kids; 2=Real reasons; 3= Suggested alternative

1 I can’t help it; it’s a biological urge.
2 Unexamined motivations.
3 Institutions await those who can’t control their biological urges

1 Want to give our parents grandchildren.
2 Still seeking parental approval.
3 Live your own life and encourage your parents to do the same.

1 I just love children.
2 Out of touch with inner child, and with existing children.
3 Adopt, step, and foster parenting. Big Brother/Sister. Work with children, teach.

1 I have superior human genes.
2 Doesn’t recognize an oxymoron. Megalomania.
3 Do great things with your genes, rather than expecting the next cultured batch to do it.

1 Need help on farm or in family business.
2 Too cheap to hire help. Child labor laws inconvenient.
3 Mechanization gives faster return on investment.

1 Want someone to care for me in my old age.
2 Fear of aging. Exploitative personality.
3 Save money and prepare for retirement. Be nice to people so they will visit you in the home.

1 Pregnancy and childbirth are life experiences.
2 Life choices limited by social indoctrination.
3 Rent pregnancy simulator. Choose different life experiences.

1 A good family is essential to career advancement and strong standing in the community.
2 Social insecurity. Wants trophy children to improve social status.
3 Rent children from talent agency on special occasions. Have white picket fence installed.

1 We want to create a life that embodies our love for each other.
2 Ego, times two, minus imagination, equals three plus.
3 Garden. Adopt a stream, trail, or highway. Rescue animals. Protect & restore ecosystems to embody love.

1 I want my kids (who don’t exist yet) to have all the things I didn’t have.
2 Unfulfilled childhood desires and fantasies.
3 Deal with regrets & make best of life. Provide for existing children.

1 To carry on family name.
2 Trying to please Dad. Duped by bloodline superstition.
3 Create something enduring & give it family name. Donate blood to pass on bloodline.

1 Want to see a little me.
2 Self-absorption. Lack of ego gratification.
3 Order custom-made, life-like doll. Create a gratifying life of your own.

1 God wants us to.
2 Mindless obedience to dogma peddlers who want larger flocks.
3 Seek true nature of God, whatever you perceive God to be.

1 My wife/husband wants a baby.
2 Giving in out of fear of losing partner.
3 Communicate true desires. Spouse may feel you’re the one who wants to breed.
Rent baby simulator doll.

1 Want a child with our bloodline.
2 Ego extension. Racial identity.
3 Recognize value of people with different genetic make-ups.

1 It’s a spiritual thing for me.
2 Other reasons too easily refuted.
3 Find truly spiritual experiences.

1 I’ve always wanted to have children; it’s what people do.
2 Unquestioned cultural conditioning.
3 Communicate to strengthen relationship. Attend retreats for bonding couples.

1 I love babies.
2 Shortsighted view of reality.
3 Babies soon turn into children, who turn into adults. Infant care work is available.

1 Being a mother is a woman’s highest calling.
2 Beguiled into believing compliance is noble free choice.
3 Motherhood, and fatherhood, may be achieved without breeding. Many children wait for good homes.

1 My child could find a way to save the world.
2 “Mother of God” complex. (Also applies to men).
3 If you want something done right, do it yourself.

1 We’d like to try for a boy/girl this time.
2 Ego extension. Gender identity insecurity. Dissatisfaction with existing offspring.
3 Appreciate who you have, they might resent their sibling whose gender is
preferred.

1 I just want to.
2 Just wants to.
3 Choosing to breed precludes most other things you’ll just want to do.

1 I want someone who will love me and not leave me.
2 Fear of rejection. Unresolved relationship issues.
3 Give love to get love. Accept change and deal with loss.

1 Our economy needs young workers to replace retired workers.
2 Willing to sacrifice offspring to gods of National Economy.
3 Automation reduces need for wage slaves. Consider rights of unconceived to stay
that way.

1 The world needs more of us or we’ll be outnumbered.
2 Elitism. Xenophobia. Eugenics easier to conceal than genocide.
3 Convert others to your views so there’ll be one more of your kind and one less of
Them.

1 We may as well; the planet is doomed anyway.
2 Nihilistic natalism.
3 Consider ethics of sentencing an innocent person to life, and death, in ecological
collapse.

1 I’d like to achieve a sense of immortality.
2 Fear of death and non-existence.
3 Accept mortality. Spread memes not genes. Socrates’ heirs are not apparent,
but his ideas linger strong.

1 My biological clock has gone off.
2 Women’s normal heightened sexual desire in 30s & 40s difficult to accept in puritanical societies.
3 Disarm that culturally implanted mental time bomb. It’s okay to make love and not babies.

1 I don’t know.
2 Never thought about it. Unthinking conformity.
3 Think before you breed, and you might not.

1 I might regret not having had the experience later, when it’s too late.
2 Fear of future worries and life passing too fast.
3 We can’t experience everything. Far better to regret not breeding than to
regret breeding.

1 I do not want to deny my kids (who do not exist yet) the joy of existence.
2 Ignoring lack of joy in existing children.
3 Promote existence of joy rather than imagining joy in mere existence.

Les Knight of VHEMT writes that a desire to conform to what society considers normal probably ranks number one as the cause of wanted pregnancies. I tend to agree.  And pronatalism is the queen of “normal.”  

Which “real” reasons do you think are most common?
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While I don’t think it’s the greenest movie of the year (yo-the characters are quite the consumers),  it got me thinking about the real women.  How “green “are they in their real lives from a reproductive standpoint?  Let’s start with Sarah Jessica Parker…

..who plays Carrie. She’s married to actor Matthew Broderick, they have one son, and twin daughters that were delivered by a surrogate mother.  Kim Cattrall, who plays Samantha is childfree, and in an interview with Oprah,shared why she made this choice and insightful views on the meaning of motherhood…

In the interview Kim said, ”..I try not to listen to the shoulds or coulds, and try to get beyond expectations, peer pressure, or trying to please—and just listen. I believe all the answers are ultimately within us. When I answered those questions regarding having children, I realized that so much of the pressure I was feeling was from outside sources, and I knew I wasn’t ready to take that step into motherhood.

Since then I’ve found other ways to fulfill my maternal instincts—when a young actress comes to me for advice about her career, or when I give a talk at a school, babysit my friends’ kids, or work with children’s charities or organizations. And even though I’m now married, my decision still stands.

My newest projects sometimes feel like my children. When my husband, Mark, and I wrote our book, the time, energy, and love we put into it felt very much like parenting. And when we finally dropped the book off at the publisher, it was as if we were taking our child to the first day of nursery school—we were so proud and so nervous.

Being a biological mother just isn’t part of my experience this time around. However, I am a mother who continues to give birth to ideas and ways of experiencing life that challenge the norm.”

Since that interview, while she is no longer married, she remains childfree.  Cynthia Nixon, who plays Miranda, has two children from previous marriage.  Today she and partner Christine Marinoni have no children. Kristin Davis, who plays Charlotte, is single, has no children, at least for now.  In an interview with Foxnews, she said that she’d love to have children. “I’d also love to adopt a child — I think about it a lot,” she said, adding that she admires Angelina Jolie for adopting kids…”I’d still like to find a man and have a baby with him if that’s possible…I haven’t given up.”

So if I am up to date on these stars (please if you have different “latest ”let me know!), that is one childfree (Cattrall), one temporarily has no children (Davis), and two moms (Nixon and Parker), with Parker being the least green, if you adopt the position that not having children is the greenest thing you can do. The real sex and the city women generally reflect what we commonly see — most are moms, some don’t have kids by circumstance and others by choice, in that order. At least none are baby machines like many hollywood women.

I wish we’d hear more from childfree celebrities that experience motherhood like Cattrall–as giving birth through the creative process and many experiences in life, including mentoring and involvement with kids.  Or how about childfree characters in movies, television, etc. who give examples of expanded views of motherhood and fatherhood–what do you see out there in this regard?

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Ads like this disturb me.  It’s a staunch reminder of the power of advertising and how it seriously reinforces the values all of us are ”supposed “to have.  Advertising has staggering statistics: the average city-dweller is exposed to 5,000 advertising messages a day, the average household watches more than ..

..eight hours of television per day and 65 percent of people say they are constantly bombarded with advertising. In this ad’s case, it reinforces the perfect little family = mom, dad, the little boy and girl (god forbid one child or even kids of the  same gender), and all the things we’re supposed to do as parents, not to mention parents modeling not caring much about gas consumption–it’s selling pronatalism + consumption + don’t worry there’ll always be enough oil so keep a guzzlin.  It is also disturbing that most of the youtube comments Love the ad. And the ad goes further with more videos taking us into the lives of this “perfect” happy mini van family.

What is at the source of perpetuating the perfect child-centric family and ads that represent it? Powerful pronatalist values.  Then add the promotion of consumption.  They may be out there, so point me to them, but where are the car ads with hot new hybrids (and hopefully soon electric cars) with happy couples of all races and no kids?  To see these kind of ads, market research results need to be different and show we want to see more than the perfect nuclear family when being pitched to sell products.  At least the idea of not having children by choice has to be more fully accepted.  Seeing ads like ”the swagger wagon”  keeps me motivated to continue to try and find ways to push not just tolerance of the childfree life, but acceptance of it.

What kind of ads concern you? Bug you? Get you going?