Of three signficant events in our lives—birth, reproduction, and death—we all encounter two of them: birth and death. On reproduction, we have a choice.
For over 25 years, I have researched, written about and worked as a social activist on the childfree choice and those who make it. When I started, childfree people lived in the tributaries of society, and beliefs about them were far more negative than today. Since this time, I have been dedicated to fostering societal awareness and acceptance of the childfree choice, and mindsets that allow people to live their reproductive lives on their own terms.
A Pivotal Event
About four years ago, another type of ‘choice’ related to the third event—death—came front and center to my life. My 85-year-old father had been dealing with a neurological condition called trigeminal neuralgia, which was extremely painful. After seeing several neurologists we could not find a solution to the pain.
My dad began seriously considering how he wanted to end his life. He did not qualify for medical aid in dying (MAID), but I learned of a doctor who helps people do Voluntary Stop Eating and Drinking (VSED). We met with this doctor, and shortly after, yet another neurologist, who actually led us to a pain reduction solution my father could live with. He decided to put VSED on the back burner.
It came off the back burner almost a year later, after repeated fainting and falling. Not long after going to a skilled nursing center, he started to refuse physical and occupational therapy. Our family could tell he was losing his will to live. After two weeks there and visibly weakening, he sat us down and told us he knew he would no longer be able to live on his own, emotionally spoke to how he had had a great life, and did not want to continue this downward slope. He still did not qualify for MAID, was ready to do VSED, and not long after did so, and died on this own terms.
This experience opened my mind to how our society does not make it easy for people to have end-of-life choices and care that honor their needs, values, and wishes. It inspired me to volunteer for the organization, A Better Exit, to become involved in efforts to educate people on end-of-life choices and the need to broaden end-of-life laws.
Thematic Belief Parallels
It may not seem so at first, but there are thematic belief parallels associated with the childfree choice and end-of-life choice that work against the embracement of each. Here are a few in a nutshell:
Religious. A common religious belief that works against the childfree choice relates to the idea that it is people’s duty to God to “be fruitful and multiply.” A common religious belief that works against feeling one has end-of-life choice relates to the idea that: “When the time is right, God will make it happen.”
Glorification. Pronatalism works against the childfree choice, as its beliefs include the glorification of parenthood, and putting it on a pedestal over all other life experiences. Society similarly exalts living as long as possible, seeing living to high number ages as a badge of honor.
Obligation. Pronatalism includes the belief that we have a social obligation to contribute to society by bringing human life into it. In the medical community, doctors’ code of ethics includes the obligation and commitment to sustain life.
Normality. It’s commonly seen that there must be something ‘wrong’ with people who don’t have the desire to become parents. Regarding life in general, it’s also commonly perceived that it’s abnormal not to want to live as long as one can.
Fear. Childfree people have been commonly stereotyped as not wanting to ‘grow up’ — the notion that they have fears associated with responsibilities that come with ‘adulting’, the most important of which is parenthood. When it comes to death, of course it is natural to have fears, but all too often this can fuel wanting to fight it, stay alive as long as possible, despite little or no quality of life.
At the core, the childfree choice and end-of-life choice reflect having the power and autonomy of choice—to live the life you want, and end it the way you want.
To Come
Looking to the future—while I’ll still be out there discussing pronatalism in society, keeping the pulse on the childfree choice socially and culturally, posting and on socials (Bluesky and LinkedIn these days) and in my Childfree Trending pieces, you’ll also start to see more from me regarding end-of-life choice education and commentary.
As a start, I will be part of this upcoming webinar this month on August 23rd on “Understanding VSED” sponsored by the Hemlock Society of San Diego.
The childfree choice was often not openly discussed years ago. Now this is true for the realities and issues related to end-of-life options as they stand in today’s society. It is time to give this important area more spotlight.